The final chapter?

The last six months have been incredibly hard for many different reasons. I take comfort from the fact that we have made progress compared to where we were 12 months ago. The whole point of this blog was to enable me to make this type of comparison as we often forget how things change.

November and December 2008 continued in pretty much the same way as the previous few months. We continued with the daily exercise regime and saw very little change. The fear of failure (for me) became a huge pressure, having invested so much time and money. George was still very much "on board" with all of it but the tension in the house was increasing. This culminated in an almighty row between Father and Son over the dining table during Christmas day lunch and I knew that something had to give.

After consulting with George, it was decided that we would drop the Dore Programme and try to make some changes to reduce the stress in the house. I have previously mentioned that if George is surrounded by a sense of calm, he will automatically be calmer himself. To this end, I made some changes in my working life to reduce my own stress levels in the hopes that this would help George (and myself, as by this time my health was suffering). Sadly we were unable to get his Father on board with this way of thinking - an ADHD adult will be very set in his ways and more "unable" to change. I have found that George, in many ways, is a clone of his Father; so, I understand that I can discuss an issue with Dad - he will agree to a plan of action and five minutes later the action plan has been forgotten. Frustrating is not a strong enough word, when our joint aim is to help our child. He has good intentions but, like George, his attention span is lacking.

January - we started the new year with nothing - no Dore Programme, no medication and no support from the NHS. With yet another failure behind me and, already exhausted from my busiest working month of the year (December), depression was a real possibility. George seemed no better or worse than he had been before Christmas and I decided to try a different route. Instead of trying to make him just like all the other children, I made a conscious decision to let him be himself. If he came home from school and needed to run around like a lunatic in the back garden, screaming like a banshee, I let him. The constant string of noises (tourettes) was ignored as much as possible. Intervention was kept to a minimum and generally only took place when George was upsetting his little sister or about to do something potentially harmful. George was also getting pretty regular detentions at school. They were generally for inappropriate (but not malicious) behaviour.

February - See January! Except, by this time his Dad was seriously struggling to keep calm and I found myself flitting between the two of them more often, trying to calm things down. I am lucky to have good friends - one of whom asked at the time "how do you cope?" There's no answer to that. You either cope or you don't. I coped but didn't realise how much it was costing me at the time. During the first two months of the year I had several trips away on business. Each time I was away for a few days I felt much better but, on returning home, the usual tension would descend, made worse because Georges routine had been disrupted by my absence.

March - I started to notice some small positive changes in George. He seemed to be maturing a little and demonstrated more understanding when faced with his own challenging behaviour. He was also encouraged to take on projects that would normally be undertaken by adults. He went to work with his Father for a day and they both returned home calm and happy. His school detentions were lessening and I had a positive meeting with one of the school managers. She is of the opinion that George is doing fantastically well, considering he has no medication or outside support. This made me feel that perhaps my decision to let him be himself was the correct one.

April - the month of Georges 13th birthday. To encourage his self-belief George was allowed to go to the fair with three friends, unaccompanied by adults. Two positive things - the fact that he had three buddies who chose to spend time with him and the fact that he was trusted to go without supervision. This was something I often thought I would never see. I truly believe this has come about because he has been encouraged to believe in himself. I try hard now to treat him like any other 13 year old boy and I think it helps.

The teenage years are the ones I dread the most. Faced with raging hormones, on top of his ADHD, I sometimes feel as though there is a time bomb ticking in our house. He can be very calm one day, argumentative the next day, very immature the next day... and so on. If you know what to expect from one day to the next it helps. In our house, that's impossible, especially with two very similar people who are shouting and arguing with each other fairly regularly.

It's worth mentioning at this point that ADHD does not just affect the child in question. It affects the whole family. I have seen marriages crumble to dust, women needing anti-depressants and parents having breakdowns - all because of this terrible condition. It becomes a way of life and it's often difficult to step back and be objective when everything around you is "wrong". It's generally accepted that the ADHD is passed down through the male side of the family. Living with two ADHD people is a double whammy and mothers/wives often take up the position of mediator between the two males. In our case, this is very evident and even though I believed I was coping (with the help of my friends), the human body sometimes has different ideas and, if pushed, will give you a wake up call that tells you to STOP. I had the wake up call and it helped me put things into perspective.

After many years of trying to help George conform, I have decided that I like him the way he is.
He likes himself, the way he is.
He's wonderful, funny, incredibly clever, a generally happy person and I love him.
All the adults who know him think he is amazing.
Why would I want that to change?