Where's my padded cell?

I need it. We've had a tough week. Himself has been away, working, so I wonder if I'm feeling so wrecked because I've been single parenting. I spoke to the school last week about my concerns over George's "people who hate me" list. They confirmed what I already knew - that this is not actually the case. I expressed my feelings about his English lessons - if there's going to be a problem, it will be in English, and it seems that there are some pupils who know which buttons to push. They wind him up and then sit back to watch the entertainment as George digs himself a really deep hole. The person I spoke to told me that she was worried that if this was not dealt with, quickly, George would carry his "easy target" label throughout the rest of his school life. In lots of ways he's typical of a boy of his age - I'm sure this isn't all one sided because I know that his behaviour can be irritating. However, on Thursday of last week I received a letter from the school informing me that George would be in detention for 1 hour after school on Monday. I telephoned the school again and spoke to the SeNCo. It started off as a conversation about his detention and ended up with a promise that the English teacher would be asked to telephone me. She did, and she explained how difficult she finds it to deal with this particular class. Evidently there are a few pupils in the class who are disruptive and a couple in particular who are just plain naughty. She tells me that she is very sympathetic to George's situation and understands his condition. She also told me that whilst she called for the SOC, she had made it clear that she didn't feel that George should be punished. George was not able to control himself and she needed to be able to teach for at least some of the lesson. I fully understand her position but I got a bit cross about this, so I put it all in writing to the school.

"Further to our telephone conversation this morning, I am pleased to tell you that I have now spoken to the English department, and have been advised that it would not be appropriate for George to move sets in this subject. However, I still have very grave concerns regarding this situation. Having spoken to Ms xxx, it seems that George finds it very difficult to settle in this class. The mix of pupils, I believe, is quite a problem. It would seem that there are a few pupils in the class who actively seek to antagonise George which results in his loss of self-control. We have tried to encourage George to ignore their taunts, but he finds it very difficult.

It would seem that the best way to help George (in this lesson) is to provide him with a 1-1 teaching assistant. However, I appreciate that resources are tight and this may not be possible. If George is not able to have a teaching assistant in English, I think it would be appropriate for him to have access to the special needs department on the occasions when he is not able to control his behaviour. This would enable George to work effectively and would also mean that the English teacher can teach the rest of the class. I would expect this to be at the Teachers discretion. Whilst we are not happy at the thought of George being excluded from the lesson, I cannot think of any other way, at the moment, to solve the problem.

You mentioned that it may be appropriate to put George on report, and get him to report to Mr xxxx. I am certainly willing to try this but our previous attempts to help George improve, using a report card, failed. My main concern, if a second attempt is made which doesn’t work, is that George will see this as yet another of his own failings. I will leave this decision up to you. If you think it will be beneficial to George, I will give my full support.

Finally, I would like to express my concern that George has to attend a detention, after school, on Monday 3^rd March. I find it very difficult to understand why George is being punished for something he cannot help. George has a known and diagnosed disorder which includes impulsivity - lack of self control and lack of foresight. He is often deliberately antagonised by other pupils in his English class, which would certainly add fuel to the fire. His English teacher has confirmed this to me today. I realise that ADHD children can be extremely difficult to deal with but, if George were deaf, would he be punished for not listening properly?

He will be attending the detention, against my wishes, because it is important that he adhere to the school policy. However, I would like a full explanation as to why this punishment was deemed necessary."

Sadly, there was no intervention and George attended for detention. I hate this situation, with a passion. I even considered giving him the meds again, until we see an improvement through the Dore Programme. However, once I had calmed down (had a bit of a temper tantrum, stamped my feet and cried) I decided that my original resolution would have to be followed. At the moment, if we return to the meds, George may see this as another failure and he really needs to succeed in something right now....

In the meantime, George has added to his list of people who hate him. He came home from school on Monday (after detention) with mud all over the front and back of his trousers, all over his school coat and also his school bag. Evidently two of the main antagonists pushed him over... (once each). He's angry and I don't blame him.

We haven't had a response yet, to the letter we sent. Himself has returned home and he isn't as patient as me. I think the school will be hearing from him.

How's the Dore going? He's still right there, 100%. He really wants it to work. We haven't noticed any improvement as yet, but it's only been three weeks.... not that I'm impatient or anything......

I have a list.....

... of all the children at school who "hate" George. They don't, but it's his perception that they do. Boys will be boys and all that... He's come home today, wound up, anxious and frustrated. He's anxious because one of the "big" boys pushed him over. This resulted in torn (ruined) school trousers and a small cut to Georges' hand. George tells me that this "big" boy always does this to him. He was worried that I would be cross because I need to get him yet another pair of school trousers. He's only been at this school for two terms and he's going through a pair of trousers per term. I suggested that, whenever possible, he avoid this boy to prevent this happening again.

He then launched himself into qualifying his statement of "everybody hates me".

"They give me a hard time because I'm different to them. They call me names like 'monkey boy' and 'freak'. I can't help it if I have ADHD. They do things to wind me up. When I do the same back to them, I get told off by the teacher and sent out of the class. Then they all laugh at me because I'm being sent out. In technology, today, two boys kept throwing my stuff on the floor. If I leave it there, it will get trodden on, or I'll get told off by the teacher because my stuff is all over the place. They kept doing it today, and I got so cross that I threw one of their pencils on the floor. I got told off for that, too. In English, they were winding me up so much I had to ask the teacher if I could be excused so that I could go into the corridor and calm down. She came out after a minute or two and told me to go back into class. I tried to explain that I hadn't calmed down. She made me go back in. It ended with her sending for the SOC (Staff on Call) and some of the class started laughing at me again because I was in trouble".

I don't think for one minute that every minute at school is traumatic for him. It is very hard, when you're struggling, to see anything positive though. And I know that George is struggling. If he was in a small school, with small classes, his behaviour would improve, because there would be less stimulus. Large classes with a lot of noisy children stress him out. He would do very well if he worked alone, in a quiet room, but it has the potential to turn him into a very solitary and lonely person.

Georges' Dad (often referred to as 'himself') works best and is very happy when he is alone. He can concentrate, has nobody else to consider but himself and achieves a lot. This gives him a sense of wellbeing. It is my belief that he suffers from ADD. He certainly exhibits a lot of the signs. However, he has learnt social skills (you would expect this from a chap in his forties) and he has lots of friends. To deprive George of his peers would also deprive him of the ability to learn social skills. It's at times like this that I could really do with a crystal ball (couldn't we all?!) I don't think that I worry too much about our youngest daughter and what her future holds. She has lots of confidence, lots of friends and seems to be doing quite well at school. Her parents evenings are always a pleasure. I worry a lot about what the future holds for George. He's been telling me for nearly two years that everybody hates him. He recognises his faults but seems powerless to do anything about them. Right now, this minute, he has the TV on. I've told him he isn't to watch TV today, but he's forgotten and I don't have the heart to remind him. He's had a terrible day. If that makes me a bad parent, right now, then I hold my hands up to it. I just can't face any more upset today.

The Dore exercises are progressing well. George hasn't complained about doing them and is trying hard. :o)

Taking the plunge...

Following an assessment at the Dore clinic last week, it was recommended that George start the programme. I have been following a number of on-line forums which discuss the success (or failure) of children on this programme. It would seem that a number of ADHD children have benefited substantially. There are, of course, those that have completed the course and have not benefited in any way. It doesn’t work for everybody.

George has an exercise regime specifically targeted to help him develop skills in areas where he has demonstrated a weakness. He has a set of three exercises, of which he must carry out two, twice a day. Each exercise must be done for a total of 5 days and then he moves on to a different exercise. At the moment they are quite easy for him, but we are focusing on the importance of control. Because they are quite quickly rotated I am hopeful that they will hold his interest and won’t become a chore for him. Also, when he has completed each exercise, I am hopeful that this will help to boost his confidence and he will start to believe that he can learn to control his actions.

It was explained to me that most children get worse before they get better, and I have read anecdotal evidence that backs this up. It generally seems to occur at about the 8-10 week stage. This is seen as a positive thing, because it would appear that for those children who initially regress, the long term outcome is generally very good.

Once he has mastered the physical exercises, he will be presented with some mental exercises which he must do at the same time as the physical ones. This normally happens at around the six month stage. My understanding of this process is that this will teach his brain to multi-task – this is something that he does not seem to be able to do currently and I believe that this may be the key to unlock his ability to control himself.

Currently, George has a very positive attitude regarding this. He really wants to try to help himself. We have a follow up appointment in six weeks time (and every six weeks thereafter) for further assessment, at which time his programme can be adjusted to suit his progress.

The Dore Programme is really still in its infancy, despite being around for a number of years. I watched a short interview today, featuring Kenny Logan, who has completed the Dore Programme to help with Dyslexia. He maintains that he couldn't read a word before he was 30. He said, with the help of the Dore programme, that he is now learning more every day. He learnt his vowels at 30 years old, has now learnt how to break down words (much like a child does, when they first learn to read) and feels that he is going from strength to strength. He explained how his Mother arranged for extra tutoring but even though he tried hard, he couldn't get the information to stay in his brain - he said he couldn't process it adequately to be able to retain it. George is not dyslexic, but I feel that there is some mileage to be gained by giving it a good try. Parents of ADHD children realise, quite quickly, that you can explain to your child how damaging their inappropriate behaviour is, but they cannot retain or process the information. We are often seen as poor parents because we know there is no point going on, and on, and on at the child. It won't make any difference because after 5 minutes they will have forgotten...... We can't spend our lives banging our heads against a brick wall, upsetting the whole family and gaining.... precisely nothing.

I am relieved that George has been accepted on the programme. At least I know that we are doing everything we can to help him. I have to be positive and believe that this will work. I hope that this positive attitude will help and encourage George to see it through to the end.

Pass the steak....

His frustration and lack of control is really getting out of hand now. He's managed to accidentally give his little sister a black eye. She wouldn't get out of his room, so he made her, and in the process she banged the side of her eye against the door handle. Screaming ensued, from both of them. She, because she was hurt and scared; He, because he was scared that he'd done her some serious damage. Thankfully the worst she will have is a black eye.... but one inch to the left and it would have been a different matter. I feel sorry for both of them. He can't control his actions and she has to put up with his lack of control. Thank goodness she is quite bright and also, very caring. Once she had stopped screaming and we were able to administer first aid (a bag of frozen peas!!) she told me that I should really go and "sort George out" because "He's very upset Mummy. He didn't mean to do it - it was an accident". By this time, he was howling, in his room. He got so upset, he was sick.

Both are sleeping peacefully now which gives me time to beat myself up. I ask myself if there was any way I could have prevented this happening and the only answer I come up with is to supervise him constantly. He's 11 years old and doesn't want his Mother following him around the house "just in case" he does something he shouldn't. I know he would hate it, and his logic would tell him that he can't be trusted and that would push his self esteem even lower. I know he will suffer, inside, because of this incident. As parents, we have to explain that his actions where inappropriate. This is what parents must do. I also know that by explaining how wrong he was, it will push him one step further down the ladder. At the moment, for every one step up he takes, his lack of control makes him move down two steps. He is, without doubt, a very caring and loving child. He was distraught when he realised what he had done and would have done anything to be able to undo it. I want to be able to save him from himself, but I cannot be there, every second of every day to second guess what he may do next.

10 days until we go to the Dore centre for his assessment. I'm praying they can help him.

For my next trick.....

I could waffle on for ages about the biology of ADHD. It doesn't mean a thing. What really matters is how it affects the child, and the family of the child. Today George was given lunchtime detention for trying to bite a Teaching Assistant. His frustration got the better of him and he reverted to the behaviour of a two year old going through the "terrible twos". Thank goodness, his school teachers understand that he is not doing this out of malice. He is really a very caring and sensitive boy. He sometimes pretends he isn't but adults who know him realise who he really is, under all the nonsense he displays. His face, when I arrived to collect him from his year tutor, was enough to reduce me to tears. He looked so sad, so frightened, so sorry...... He has apologised to the poor woman, and rightly so. He doesn't know why he did it. He knows it was wrong. I spoke to his ADHD nurse this evening and she was very supportive and understanding. She knows he can't help it. It doesn't help in the long term though.... I don't know how I manage to function from day to day. I am deliberately with-holding his Ritalin on the basis that the long term effects are not fully known. I don't want to be responsible for giving him a class A drug that "may" fry part of his brain. Without it, he is not coping. What to do? We have booked an assessment at a Dore clinic, because it's currently the only non-medication option that we have. It's two weeks away, but I need it now! There's a chance that we're throwing away £2500 on this for nothing, but I can't sit here and do nothing. I can't give him the drugs unless I have exhausted every other opportunity to help him and I feel as though we're caught between a rock and a hard place. Unfortunately the space between the rock and the hard place is quick sand.

George is in the garage with his Dad, right now. They're welding. George is very good at it. He needs to end the day on a positive note.

Monopoly isn't supposed to be so hard!

A game of Monopoly, played with your children, is supposed to be fun. Not so with George. He loves playing games but cannot sit still or be quiet for more than 15 seconds. We experienced a whole range of noises from general popping sounds to car engine sounds as he moved his piece around the board. His constant fidgeting meant that houses moved from one property to another and money was flying every where. Thankfully, we put a timescale on the game. It was a long hour and a half. Many people would comment that they don't see a problem, and surely this is just how children are? The noises can be likened to listening to a radio station that isn't properly tuned in. You only hear a noise - it doesn't mean anything and it's not something a person could listen to for very long. You have to live with a child who suffers from ADHD to know just how much stress it puts on the whole family. A couple of nights ago his frustration degenerated into a screaming rage resulting in him slamming doors and banging his head against a window. He threatened to leave home..... I dread to think what our neighbours must be thinking when they hear this child screaming and banging. He picks things up and smashes them too - generally a much loved lego model (thank goodness it's lego because he can rebuild it). He smashed his new lego AT-AT into pieces and then told me he'd done it because he wanted me to know that he must be really angry to have smashed it. He has such perfect logic but I can't seem to get him to understand that he only has to tell me he's angry, not demonstrate it........

Trying to think of something positive about today, I came up with this:

Today, he cleaned his school shoes without arguing about it first. :o)

Sometimes, I don't know how we survive a week without losing it completely. Each day is a terrible struggle for all of us. We lurch from one crisis to another and, whilst we try hard to be proactive, it's not possible to foresee what George may do next or how his behaviour will affect the whole family. Today we received a call from the school SeNco because George (and five other children) had disrupted the last lesson so much that no teaching could be done. George was made aware of how disappointed the school were and he did apologise. He will always apologise when he realises how his behaviour has affected others. His biggest problem is not being able to learn from his mistakes and think about the consequences of his actions. That's just children, isn't it? Of course, all children must make mistakes - that's how they learn. ADHD children don't seem to be able to grasp the concept of it........

Not two hours later, we received a call from his Scout leader requesting that George was collected from Scouts because his behaviour was just too bad. We had explained to him (again!), before he went to scouts, the importance of behaving in an acceptable way. It doesn't make any difference how much we try, he just cannot seem to get it to sink in.

He came home, very unhappy because he had been excluded (understandable!) and was sent to bed. As he rushed past me, the distraught look on his face reduced me to tears. He sobbed for a while and eventually calmed down. He explained to me that he knows that he needs to try and stop doing the things that annoy and irritate others..... he has always known this but by the time he realises that his behaviour is not acceptable, it's too late. Any mother struggles to deal with their emotions when a child of theirs is so unhappy. Frustrations abound on all sides - our child is frustrated with himself because of his inability to control himself and we are frustrated with ourselves because of our inability to help him.

There is no support from the professionals because a) the lack of resources and personnel mean that too few people are trying to manage too many cases and b) we have withdrawn the Ritalin which is going directly against the doctors' recommendation.

It brings to mind the old cliché:

"We're damned if we do, and we're damned if we don't"